Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The aftermath - Image Heavy

Truth be told, i spend a lot of my time these days in a blurry haze.

There are things that i can control, and lots and lots of things that i can't - and it would appear that control is something that is very important to me.

I may not have discovered this were it not for Artoo.

Sleepy

When i get the chance to interact with adults, i honestly can't remember how to have rational thought based conversations that don't end in: "Because i'm your mom and i'm the boss"

Do people still have those?
Conversations?

The Doctor is IN

I know that eventually this will all be just a memory... Just tonight while getting ready to eat supper i looked over at Chewie who was sitting on the kitchen counter talking to B-rad about his trip to the Backpack store where he got his NEW!! BACKPACK!! and i thought: "I can't believe that he used to be so tiny once"

Every day is kinda like the day before, and it doesn't take much before you realize that we're almost half way through the year... sorry, someone had to say it. With the outing of our baby with Moebius - it's been sort of a bleary fog of answering questions and kind emails of encouragement... which all have the same theme... "If anyone can handle something like this, it's you guys" What does that even mean? it's confusing to us, because there really isn't any other option. We deal and we cope because we MUST deal and we MUST cope. It's as though it's implied that if we weren't us we wouldn't be doing everything we could to help our baby.

it's just a weird thing to say.

I'd like to know where you got your medical license...
I read somewhere, once, that a good at-home remedy for anxiety is to watch Television.  It shuts off the need to think if you can focus on someone else's story line for a little while.

I watch a lot of television.

I did before all this went down, just now i watch an incredible amount of pre-school shows.  Good times.

I think the children's channel is making me stupider.

Everytime the lyrics to some theme song become embedded in my head, the lyrics for something cool gets shoved out.... i no longer know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody... just kidding.  I still totally do.

 I start each day just hoping that everyone in the house stays healthy.

i have great gams
 Sometimes, i'm lucky enough to get out of the house - like last weekend when i worked the Man Show (a local trade show geared at men) at my sister in law's booth for a bra/lingerie shop just out of town... i got to get dolled up and sexified and had a very inebriated man in his mid sixties oogle my breasts as he slurred "you have a bodacious....BUSTline..." (bodacious bustlines = name of the store)... creepster...

I was also told by some dude that i belonged in Charlie Sheen's porn family....  WINNING??  sigh.

Don't get me wrong, i found both incidents hilarious, and i had a pretty fun time getting out of the house - but the guilt... there's always the guilt...

I feel pretty, oh so pretty....

So, i pretty much just take each day as it comes because that's all i can do.  I'm not brave, or strong, or capable... I'm not "hangin' in there"...i'm numb.  And the numbness makes it bearable. 

And the only thing that gets me through the hard days is the knowledge that time keeps marching on, whether i want it to or not...

So, here's my latest Tattoo on the inside of my left wrist.  To remind me that the shitty times won't last forever, but neither will the adorable, cute, or happy times.  The only thing i can do is live in the moment....

Original calligraphy done by Maria Thomas at Pendragon

Easier said than done.  But i'm trying.

5 comments:

M'dame Ovaree said...

You really do have great gams. And a bodacious BUSTline.

Emily said...

Just returning the hi. Your little Artoo is adorable. I now find that I just love the look of Moebius babies after having one. I understand the one day at a time and numbness feelings. Have you heard of the Moebius conference next summer (2012). It may seem like too much to arrange but it was well worth it when we went last summer. It was nice to be around a bunch of people who understood the complexities of Moebius Syndrome and it was encouraging to see happy healthy adults with Moebius.

i am the diva said...

emily, we plan to be there if we can swing it.

Nan Sheppard said...

Woah, you hot babe! I'm glad you got out, even if you do think you'll fall asleep... I remember those days! Artoo is so gorgeous, and you are a perfect mama.

teeni said...

Haha - I get the weird things people say totally. I often hear how brave I am blah, blah, blah, regarding the cancer, but bravery has nothing to do with dealing with treatments and mutilating surgeries, it has more to do with the fear of what might happen if you don't continue to try and live as normally as possible. Yet, I've also been guilty of saying some pretty stupid things myself. I guess the important thing is that people make the effort to try and be supportive which is better than ignoring your situation because they don't know how to deal with it. In other news, I freaking love that photo of you. You look fantastic!!! :)

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