Thursday, June 25, 2009

26 questions...ANSWERED!!

in an effort to stay away from the media/blog feeding frenzy that will very soon be the passings of two great legends of our time, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcette... i am going to answer a few questions that C.J. of the Travelling Circus posed on his blog "26 Questions Men are Afraid to Ask Women"

1. Do you have the same threesome fantasies that we do and if so, what's the right way of going about making a threesome happen?

Yes, i'd say that as a rule, we probably do - but we worry that if we mention our fantasy it will make you assume that we want to pursue it in real life. I'd say if you're lucky enough to find a woman who will openly admit to and share her threesome fantasy, don't push it or she'll turn tail and never share that fantasy about dressing up as a school girl either. and there is no right way of going about making it happen... you shouldn't try to make it happen, if it's going to happen it will take it's very own organic course.

2. And how do we make it happen with your best friend?

If you're one of the extremely lucky ones who manages to find a woman willing to try out the threesome game, it will not be with her best girlfriend. Girls are super highly protective of their relationships and are, more often than not, unwilling to risk losing their Girl for some Lay. So, best lay off and start scoping out chicks together, chicks who are not already in the best girlfriend zone.

3. If I leave the door open when I'm peeing because I don't want to miss the game, are you going to be upset?

If it was me, no. i don't care. Just as long as you don't do it to take a shit, and as long as my parents aren't over.

4. Can you pay the bill if I leave my wallet at home?

Sure. Most women i know are willing to pick up the tab once in a while.

5. Are you really turned on by having sex during your period?

uhm, ew. no. Nothing could be more UNTURNING OF ON than being bloated, crampy, bleedy, and bitchy. Yeah baby.

6. Who would you side with, me or your best friend?

I'd side with who ever makes the best argument.

7. Why do you have to tell me about how hot Johnny Depp is?

Because you have to look at porn. Johnny Depp IS girl porn so let us enjoy it. Plus, we want you to know that we find sexy, fucking cool, and bad ass attractive. Take notes. Also, maybe if we let it be known how we get turned on by the Depp, you might think you'll get some if we watch Chocolat together.... then we get to watch Chocolat.

8. What if I can't remember your mom's name?

If we're married and you can't remember my mom's name by now - you're probably in big trouble. If we're dating you can probably get away with calling my mom Mrs. Diva for a while, all Eddie Haskins-like.

9. Should I call your mom, "mom"?

No. And i shouldn't have to call your mom "mom" either... frankly, i think it's kinda creepy... it'd be like implying your my brother... gross.

10. Does body hair really bother you so much that you'd make me go through the same amount of pain that you experience when you give birth? If you think that's an exaggeration, think about the fact that you think giving birth is the most painful thing that could happen to you and recognize that we can't understand that pain so how can you say that a guy getting waxed doesn't nearly equally giving birth.

I'd like to point out here that having Gallstones was more painful than childbirth. And body hair doesn't really bother me. so...

11. You check out other guys too, don't you?

Yeah, we do.

12. If yes, does that mean that your gender is naturally hypocritical?

The difference is that when we do it we're not as BLATANTLY OBVIOUS as you are, we don't stop mid sentence to check out someone who, more than likely, 14 years old... and we don't check out every guy who walks by. Frankly, the guy has to be really fucking cute for me to give him more than a seconds glance. Even then... i really don't think it's the Checking out of other girls that bothers us, its that you do it so openly - while we're talking to you, while we're standing next to you. It makes us feel very insecure for one, and unimportant for two, and not pretty/interesting/special enough to hold your attention for longer than 3 minutes.

13. Farting is a natural biological operation. I realize that's not a question but I thought you should know.


14. Is it the size of the boat or the motion of the ocean?

A big cock does not a good time in the sack make. You can have a monster shlong and we'll still be counting down the minutes to the 'big finish' so we can get to sleep if you don't have other moves in your repertoire. Seriously, guys. Get over yourselves. The human female can't physically take much more than 6 inches anyway.

15. Do you poo?


16. How do we make the first kiss less awkward? Standing there, waiting for you to go in your door and wondering if we're supposed to kiss you or walk away isn't easy for us.

It's not easy for us either. We're both standing there, feeling the heat, wondering who will make the first move. I say, just ask. If she's into you, she'll say yes and you'll be locking lips in no time. If she says no thanks - well, tonight is not your night buddy.

17. Can I have a gun?

I can't imagine why you'd need one. Can i have a pony? Both expensive, completely unecessary and frivolous... only as far as i know, the pony wouldn't accidentally go off and kill the mailman. or maybe it would... i never had a pony. ...pout...

18. What if my best friend accidentally sees the naked pictures I took of you?

You're in a lot of trouble. like, a lot of fucking trouble... unless he's hot... and wants to be in a threeway... wait, you're cool with 2 dudes + 1 chick 3somes, right?

19. When is the appropriate time in our relationship to start calling you my old lady?

Never. OR 1967.

20. Roses. Do you really want roses?

No, not really. While it is nice to recieve flowers for no reason, roses aren't the end all and be all of flowers... they're kinda overplayed anyway, and they smell like grandmas. Try something bright and colourful, like daisies. Avoid carnations. Nothing says "I bought these flowers from the checkout stand at the grocery store while picking up toilet paper" like carnations.

21. If we have a fight and I know you're wrong and you know you're wrong, why do I still have to be the first one to apologize?

Because, someone needs to start the ball rolling. Eventually, once you're talking again, she'll probably own up to being wrong, but she wants to do that from a place of safety.

22. Can I still be friends with my ex?

It depends on so many factors. How did it end? Who ended it, and why? How long has it been since you broke up, was she the LAST person you dated?

23. Do you believe in the Sasquatch?

Not really, but there are weirder things out there than Sasquatch...

24. If I can devour a Big Mac in 45 seconds, is that hot? My buddies think it's pretty cool.

I think i would side with your buddies and think that it's cool...but not hot. If you can devour me in 45 seconds... that's fucking hot.

25. Speaking of my buddies, if I go out with them one night, what time should I come home? And don't act like my mother about it.

Generally, any time between 1 and 2 am is cool... but communication is the key. She's less likely to care when you're home if she knows when you'll be back. And she's probably worried about you, cuz she loves you and wants to make sure you're safe. So, if you're going to be home late - just make sure she knows what your expected time back is.

26. Will you still love me when my six pack suddenly becomes a keg?


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