The Last Person

Holy Toledo and then some.

My mom has been on a spring cleaning rampage. She "is home today attacking her filing cabinet. There is stuff in there I haven't seen in years" according to her crackbook status. Yes. my mom is on crackbook.

We have these enormous filing cabinets in my parent's office in their home. They have all sorts of goodies in there - tax returns, school papers, student loan junk... but the best drawer was the one second from the bottom where mom has a file for each kid. Inside each file are things that she's kept over the years - and one of these such things she discovered today... read it... and then typed it out for me and emailed it to me.

what is it?

Why, it's the story that won me the Grade Three first prize for Creative Writing, that's what!

It wa sooo weird reading it, i could imagine my old class room - my old desk... writing out my little story - i still see the pictures in my head that i had when i was 8 and was transfering those images to paper! The character was an eight year old girl - i remember her dirty dress and messy hair... it's all still there...Morbid little laura. I can only imagine what my grade three teacher must have thought when he read it - or the panel of judges...or my MOM just now.

enjoy. (or not, remember i was only in Grade three)

The Last Person

I am the last person on earth. I am very lonely. On Friday the sun wasn't red but a smokey gray and all was dark. The next day the electricity was gone. Candles burnt out quickly.

One day I was walking around the town and I fell in a manhole. There were white bones at my feet. On Tuesday the buildings were crashing down. Tallest one went first, like churches and other tall buildings like that.

I learned to sleep in a manhole. The only weapon I had was a knife. There were dead rats all over the place so I ate them. They were disgusting, but at least they were food. When I went out of the manhole there were gray plants with fuzzy skin all over. I took my knife and I tried to cut one for its juice to drink, but it was like a metal root. I tried to break it with my bare hands, but all I got were bloody hands. I went to another one for its juice, but it grew and made me jump. I jumped into the manhole.

I fell asleep, but suddenly I woke up and I thought I was being watched. I saw two yellow eyes. Then a green creature came towards my body. It reached out its hand and said, "It's okay. Touch my hand." Then it giggled so I reached out my hand. I touched it and it fell off. Then I knew I was going to die.

The green creature came closer to my leg and it bit me. I saw purple slime coming out of my blood. Then it said, "I'm a goblin. If you don't leave I'll kill you!"

I ran, but I ran right into more of them--all green and slimy with ugly blue grease coming out of their bodies. I ran back to where I was before. I got hit by rock and got knocked out and I didn't' wake up. The goblin must have been waiting for my arrival.

When I finally woke up all was silent. Then I saw it again. He took out a knife and killed me.

All is silent now.

Hi Kathy!!

149 - x365 Lorna F

You and your family lived 3 houses up the block and across the back alley. You had all moved to Canada from Scotland and you all had such great accents. I loved your long brown hair and freckled nose, and for lunches your mother would give us sandwhiches and iced tea. I wasn't allowed to drink Iced Tea at home and i never said a word to your mom because she seemed so perfect and magical. Like a queen from a fairy tale.

The Lasses Google Reader Lament

Once
I was a simple girl.
A girl who didn't know the ways of the blogosphere.

I travelled across the blogoverse
making daily visits across your sites
Out clicking here and there increasing your traffic
and commenting on your posts.

Then one day, the ways of the "Reader" were bestowed upon me
and i rejoiced.
Gone were the days of checking to see if my favourite writers
Had shared a new piece with me,
For i only had to ADD A NEW SUBSCRIPTION
And i had you all at my fingertips.

Day in and Day out
i would read you from my Reader
i would smile with you and laugh with you
but ever silent my commenting voice

For Reader does not allow commenting
It requires ONE MORE CLICK
and woe is me, i left you all alone
not putting in my two cents.

Lament for the Google Reader
for it offers you convenience
It dazzles you with Laziness
and keeps your voices silent.

No longer.
Not for me.
I will try to keep my voice heard
Cuz i know you'd do the same
for me.

148 - x365 Jessie-Lee P

If i ever need to go shopping and find good deals, you're the one to talk to. I don't know anyone who has more of a 'passion' for shopping than you. Listen, if he's still being a jerk you don't have to keep dating him. You deserve someone who will treat you like you're the only woman in the world and will want to introduce you to his friends and family.

Today's P.S.A. is brought to you by the letter J.

Okay folks, i think i'm going to be closing the offer at the end of this week.

Remember, if you want in on this deal, it's not enough to leave me a comment - you have to actually EMAIL me at madam_diva at yahoo dot com; cuz i'm gonna need your location and music dislikes etc.

So, there are a few quesitons answered...

Artful Kisser, i WILL send it all the way to WOOP-WOOP if you want. I didn't see an email though, did you actually send one??

Billy - please reply with a CD as i don't actually have any machinery that will play a mixed tape anymore...

Slyde - are you in? or what??

B.E.Earl - are you down? Are you afraid that Slyde will send me a BETTER mixed tape??

Honeywine - Barry Manilow rocks! Don't be disuaded by my general dislike for Brian Adams! like i said, if you can make a case for it, i am totally open to it.

At any rate, this offer is OFFICIALLY off the table as of May 3rd. If you want in, send me an email. Coolio??

147 - x365 Trevor Y

Your curly hair always makes me think of a Hobbit. Of all the musically inclined people i know, you are the only one who has been playing publically since high school. You always find a way, and i wish i had your drive. You make being on stage look easy. That's a skill in and of itself.

146 - x365 Barry W

When we dated in ninth grade, you had heard from someone that i was a quick lay and tried to make it happen for you. We broke up after only a few days - you moved too fast for me. Whoever told you that was wrong, and you told me years later you wished you had never listened to them.

145 - x365 Peter B

In my opinion, you try too hard. Everything you did needed to be 90% or better, and i got the feeling that you were making us all look bad - but you were just the kind of guy who needed to be the best. For a man who needed to be the best, i'm still puzzled why you majored in Voice - your skills were slotted elsewhere.

144 - x365 Kelly T

I'll always remember your hospitality and kindness towards me when you were B-rad's roommate. You showered me with appreciation when i did the dishes while everyone was at work - it embarassed me, and i felt uncomfortable with your praise, but i knew that you were just being your super nice self. Your love of cats softened B-rad's dog-only heart - transforming him into a cat person. You never cease to crack me up.

PIMPING THE LINK!!

There's this contest, see, that will award the winner a free ticket over to wordpress. Witchypoo sent me the link this morning - what a doll. Fingers crossed!!

There's also this one here that Witchypoo has directed me to. Hm. i think she's trying to tell me something....

WISH ME LUCK!

Mommy Blogger

So, in case y'all are interested, there are 4 new posts over at Little Rock Star including a more recent photo of Chewie's home in my belly.

and also, here's a picture of Cinda and one of Kozmo

cuz they're cute.

a conversation

L: i inherited my father's stomach. If i stopped eating things that gave me heartburn, i'd be living off a diet of water and plain yogurt.

C: yeah, i inherited my dad's colon, which means i'll be getting a colonoscopy when i turn 40!!

L: hm, that sounds fun.

C: yeah, my older brother just had to have, like, 2/3rds of his colon removed. Just chopped it right off! Who needs a colon anyway? What's your colon ever done for YOU??

L:....uh... i'm pretty sure it helps me poop.

[silence]

C: well, there is that.

143 - x365 Daniel T

You hobbled into my life in 3rd year of University. We'd had classes together, but one day you decided to open up to me about your love of Sacred Choral music, and how you were a medical miracle, and you owed your life to God and wanted to spend the rest of it praising Him through composition. You asked me if i would mind singing soprano for your pieces. i accepted, because you seemed almost sad when you asked. Your pieces needed work, clearly written by someone who did not sing or have any understanding of vocal phrasing. The last time we spoke, you told me you were waiting to recieve admittance into the priesthood. I will always wonder if your decision was based by an underlying fear of being alone.

The Diva's Mix Master Jams!!

HEY! Remember this??

i had grand visions to do this again, on the anniversary of the first go-round... I posted my original posty out to the nether worlds of the bloggy universe last year on March 30th... stating that yours truly would concoct you a mixed tape* for your listening pleasure.

*Mixed Tape will be in the form of a Compact Disc

It was met with some success, being that i had way fewer readers at the time, but everyone who replied to my call recieved their very own mix in the mail, and almost everyone kept up their end of the deal and sent me back a mix of their own creation! that's right, almost... i'm not going to name any names.... you know who you are.... :) but i mean, one person out of at least 10 disc is not too shabby.

So here's the dealio - we're going to try round 2!! WOO!!

"What do i have to do to get my own Mix Master Jam, Laura?"

well, i'm glad you asked.

1. email me at madam_diva at yahoo dot com and put: "Diva's Mix Master Jams" in the subject line so i know you're not filled with spam - i don't like canned meat.

2. tell me who you are, and where you are so i know where to send the tunes, and if you blog - send me your URL. You don't have to disclose your real name if you're an anonymous blogger - i have no problem sending stuff to your pen name. **i promise not to give out, trade, or sell any of your personal information - in fact, once the cd is gone in the mail your info will be deleted from my brain and my email cuz i'm sweet like that**

3. tell me 4 bands/artists/or genres that you absolutely detest and i will do my damndest not to include any of said bands/artists/genres - but i make no promises

4. allow some weeks for arrival (turn around time will completely depend on how many requests i get and whether or not i have enough blank CDs, or if i have to go shopping, etc)

5. in some time you should receive in your very own hands a mix of my current faves, along with a nifty chart telling you who did what, and why i selected each tune.

6. enjoy (or not) the music i've selected.

7. reply (or retaliate) with a mixed CD of your own! and PLEASE don't forget to send me a track list - and most importantly WHY you picked the songs you did, and why you think it's worth me listening to!! I mean, you could send me a track by Brian Adams (which would give me reason to be very disappointed - but if you said something like: "I picked this song cuz it was playing in the background when i got my first kiss and even though Brian Adams sucks, i'm still a sucker for this song" then i'll forgive and try to listen to it from your perspective.)

Here's where it becomes an issue of trust, people.
I'm sending you mine first! I'm counting on you to hold up your end of the deal. I could be shelling out tens of dollars in postage, not counting CDs... all you have to do is send back ONE cd and mail it ONCE to me!! so, what, that's only a couple bucks for you right?? Right!

So, i won't call these guidelines, but here are a few suggestions for your cd

a) i strongly dislike most R&B/Rap etc... my friend Savia got around this one last year by sending me God-Awful Newfoundland rap which is just too funny!!

b) last year i was pleasantly surprised by the amount of CanCon on the CDs that came back to me! (CanCon=Canadian Content), and many of them had tracks from local bands that i wouldn't have necessarily heard of. SO! Be proud of your local talent, maybe include a track or two from them.

c) I'm also not especially fond of country music, but have been known to make exceptions.

Really, use your own discretion here. If you can make a case for your most favourite Randy Travis or Ja Rule song, then by all means - tell me why i should give it a fair trial.

So, there may be obvioius kinks in this system, and i'm not really sure how long i'll leave this offer on the table. It's only the second go-round and is still in the experimental stages, but i'm excited! aren't you?

"My hopes is that in the giving and receiving of said compact discs, our collective music collections will collectively grow and expand and horizons will be broadened and minds opened and we will - together, end war and famine and live in peace and harmony for the rest of our days. Or, failing that, we'll at least get to look forward to getting something in the mail that isn't propaganda or people wanting our hard earned money." (from the original post)

SO!
who's up for it?

Feeling Good - a weather report

This is the song i wanted to post, but the video is filled with crazy faced weirdos - and not as much cutey-poo bass player as i'd like, but what can ya do? "Feelin' Good" by Muse

Okay, so after 4-5 freakishly stupid weather days, it's actually sunny and bright outside. Still cold, but hey, i'll take this over blizzards anyday.

Yesterday morning, i was driving b-rad to work and there was a crazy seven-minute blizzard. I'm not kidding, like everything was fine, it was snowing a bit - then suddenly, out of nowhere, there were complete white out conditions! i actually thought about not going in to work because the last time that happened we had the Blizzard of '007. But as i was pulling out of B-rad's shop, the blizzarding stopped. It was all over, and it was back to mild old snowy conditions.

So, after a day like yesterday, you can see why a little sunshine is leaving me "Feelin' Good".

142 - x365 Francine T

Back in my churchie days, you and your family took me to Disneyland as a nanny for your 10 year old daughter. I always liked you, even though you had some strange parenting ideas, and your husband totally creeped me out. But, hey, it was a free trip to California and i was 17. I'm glad you finally left him, and can start the healing process. i'm afraid to see you, or talk to you on-line or on facebook, because i just don't want to go to that place where you tell me the awful things he did to you. i'm sorry.

i like giraffes.

i spent most of my day off painting a giraffe for Chewie's room. i don't know why, but i'm totally addicted to giraffes right now. Sooo cute.

go on over and check it out.

here's a teaser:

But it doesn't just end there.
I bought Chewie a stuffed giraffe to snuggle with (the giraffe that started it all), and now with a giraffe on the wall, there's also a giraffe rattle from my friend Madge, and a pair of giraffe jammies, and a little shirt with giraffes on it.

see?