The Last Person

Holy Toledo and then some.

My mom has been on a spring cleaning rampage. She "is home today attacking her filing cabinet. There is stuff in there I haven't seen in years" according to her crackbook status. Yes. my mom is on crackbook.

We have these enormous filing cabinets in my parent's office in their home. They have all sorts of goodies in there - tax returns, school papers, student loan junk... but the best drawer was the one second from the bottom where mom has a file for each kid. Inside each file are things that she's kept over the years - and one of these such things she discovered today... read it... and then typed it out for me and emailed it to me.

what is it?

Why, it's the story that won me the Grade Three first prize for Creative Writing, that's what!

It wa sooo weird reading it, i could imagine my old class room - my old desk... writing out my little story - i still see the pictures in my head that i had when i was 8 and was transfering those images to paper! The character was an eight year old girl - i remember her dirty dress and messy hair... it's all still there...Morbid little laura. I can only imagine what my grade three teacher must have thought when he read it - or the panel of judges...or my MOM just now.

enjoy. (or not, remember i was only in Grade three)

The Last Person

I am the last person on earth. I am very lonely. On Friday the sun wasn't red but a smokey gray and all was dark. The next day the electricity was gone. Candles burnt out quickly.

One day I was walking around the town and I fell in a manhole. There were white bones at my feet. On Tuesday the buildings were crashing down. Tallest one went first, like churches and other tall buildings like that.

I learned to sleep in a manhole. The only weapon I had was a knife. There were dead rats all over the place so I ate them. They were disgusting, but at least they were food. When I went out of the manhole there were gray plants with fuzzy skin all over. I took my knife and I tried to cut one for its juice to drink, but it was like a metal root. I tried to break it with my bare hands, but all I got were bloody hands. I went to another one for its juice, but it grew and made me jump. I jumped into the manhole.

I fell asleep, but suddenly I woke up and I thought I was being watched. I saw two yellow eyes. Then a green creature came towards my body. It reached out its hand and said, "It's okay. Touch my hand." Then it giggled so I reached out my hand. I touched it and it fell off. Then I knew I was going to die.

The green creature came closer to my leg and it bit me. I saw purple slime coming out of my blood. Then it said, "I'm a goblin. If you don't leave I'll kill you!"

I ran, but I ran right into more of them--all green and slimy with ugly blue grease coming out of their bodies. I ran back to where I was before. I got hit by rock and got knocked out and I didn't' wake up. The goblin must have been waiting for my arrival.

When I finally woke up all was silent. Then I saw it again. He took out a knife and killed me.

All is silent now.

Hi Kathy!!

149 - x365 Lorna F

You and your family lived 3 houses up the block and across the back alley. You had all moved to Canada from Scotland and you all had such great accents. I loved your long brown hair and freckled nose, and for lunches your mother would give us sandwhiches and iced tea. I wasn't allowed to drink Iced Tea at home and i never said a word to your mom because she seemed so perfect and magical. Like a queen from a fairy tale.

The Lasses Google Reader Lament

Once
I was a simple girl.
A girl who didn't know the ways of the blogosphere.

I travelled across the blogoverse
making daily visits across your sites
Out clicking here and there increasing your traffic
and commenting on your posts.

Then one day, the ways of the "Reader" were bestowed upon me
and i rejoiced.
Gone were the days of checking to see if my favourite writers
Had shared a new piece with me,
For i only had to ADD A NEW SUBSCRIPTION
And i had you all at my fingertips.

Day in and Day out
i would read you from my Reader
i would smile with you and laugh with you
but ever silent my commenting voice

For Reader does not allow commenting
It requires ONE MORE CLICK
and woe is me, i left you all alone
not putting in my two cents.

Lament for the Google Reader
for it offers you convenience
It dazzles you with Laziness
and keeps your voices silent.

No longer.
Not for me.
I will try to keep my voice heard
Cuz i know you'd do the same
for me.

148 - x365 Jessie-Lee P

If i ever need to go shopping and find good deals, you're the one to talk to. I don't know anyone who has more of a 'passion' for shopping than you. Listen, if he's still being a jerk you don't have to keep dating him. You deserve someone who will treat you like you're the only woman in the world and will want to introduce you to his friends and family.

Today's P.S.A. is brought to you by the letter J.

Okay folks, i think i'm going to be closing the offer at the end of this week.

Remember, if you want in on this deal, it's not enough to leave me a comment - you have to actually EMAIL me at madam_diva at yahoo dot com; cuz i'm gonna need your location and music dislikes etc.

So, there are a few quesitons answered...

Artful Kisser, i WILL send it all the way to WOOP-WOOP if you want. I didn't see an email though, did you actually send one??

Billy - please reply with a CD as i don't actually have any machinery that will play a mixed tape anymore...

Slyde - are you in? or what??

B.E.Earl - are you down? Are you afraid that Slyde will send me a BETTER mixed tape??

Honeywine - Barry Manilow rocks! Don't be disuaded by my general dislike for Brian Adams! like i said, if you can make a case for it, i am totally open to it.

At any rate, this offer is OFFICIALLY off the table as of May 3rd. If you want in, send me an email. Coolio??

147 - x365 Trevor Y

Your curly hair always makes me think of a Hobbit. Of all the musically inclined people i know, you are the only one who has been playing publically since high school. You always find a way, and i wish i had your drive. You make being on stage look easy. That's a skill in and of itself.

146 - x365 Barry W

When we dated in ninth grade, you had heard from someone that i was a quick lay and tried to make it happen for you. We broke up after only a few days - you moved too fast for me. Whoever told you that was wrong, and you told me years later you wished you had never listened to them.

145 - x365 Peter B

In my opinion, you try too hard. Everything you did needed to be 90% or better, and i got the feeling that you were making us all look bad - but you were just the kind of guy who needed to be the best. For a man who needed to be the best, i'm still puzzled why you majored in Voice - your skills were slotted elsewhere.

144 - x365 Kelly T

I'll always remember your hospitality and kindness towards me when you were B-rad's roommate. You showered me with appreciation when i did the dishes while everyone was at work - it embarassed me, and i felt uncomfortable with your praise, but i knew that you were just being your super nice self. Your love of cats softened B-rad's dog-only heart - transforming him into a cat person. You never cease to crack me up.

PIMPING THE LINK!!

There's this contest, see, that will award the winner a free ticket over to wordpress. Witchypoo sent me the link this morning - what a doll. Fingers crossed!!

There's also this one here that Witchypoo has directed me to. Hm. i think she's trying to tell me something....

WISH ME LUCK!

Mommy Blogger

So, in case y'all are interested, there are 4 new posts over at Little Rock Star including a more recent photo of Chewie's home in my belly.

and also, here's a picture of Cinda and one of Kozmo

cuz they're cute.

a conversation

L: i inherited my father's stomach. If i stopped eating things that gave me heartburn, i'd be living off a diet of water and plain yogurt.

C: yeah, i inherited my dad's colon, which means i'll be getting a colonoscopy when i turn 40!!

L: hm, that sounds fun.

C: yeah, my older brother just had to have, like, 2/3rds of his colon removed. Just chopped it right off! Who needs a colon anyway? What's your colon ever done for YOU??

L:....uh... i'm pretty sure it helps me poop.

[silence]

C: well, there is that.

143 - x365 Daniel T

You hobbled into my life in 3rd year of University. We'd had classes together, but one day you decided to open up to me about your love of Sacred Choral music, and how you were a medical miracle, and you owed your life to God and wanted to spend the rest of it praising Him through composition. You asked me if i would mind singing soprano for your pieces. i accepted, because you seemed almost sad when you asked. Your pieces needed work, clearly written by someone who did not sing or have any understanding of vocal phrasing. The last time we spoke, you told me you were waiting to recieve admittance into the priesthood. I will always wonder if your decision was based by an underlying fear of being alone.

The Diva's Mix Master Jams!!

HEY! Remember this??

i had grand visions to do this again, on the anniversary of the first go-round... I posted my original posty out to the nether worlds of the bloggy universe last year on March 30th... stating that yours truly would concoct you a mixed tape* for your listening pleasure.

*Mixed Tape will be in the form of a Compact Disc

It was met with some success, being that i had way fewer readers at the time, but everyone who replied to my call recieved their very own mix in the mail, and almost everyone kept up their end of the deal and sent me back a mix of their own creation! that's right, almost... i'm not going to name any names.... you know who you are.... :) but i mean, one person out of at least 10 disc is not too shabby.

So here's the dealio - we're going to try round 2!! WOO!!

"What do i have to do to get my own Mix Master Jam, Laura?"

well, i'm glad you asked.

1. email me at madam_diva at yahoo dot com and put: "Diva's Mix Master Jams" in the subject line so i know you're not filled with spam - i don't like canned meat.

2. tell me who you are, and where you are so i know where to send the tunes, and if you blog - send me your URL. You don't have to disclose your real name if you're an anonymous blogger - i have no problem sending stuff to your pen name. **i promise not to give out, trade, or sell any of your personal information - in fact, once the cd is gone in the mail your info will be deleted from my brain and my email cuz i'm sweet like that**

3. tell me 4 bands/artists/or genres that you absolutely detest and i will do my damndest not to include any of said bands/artists/genres - but i make no promises

4. allow some weeks for arrival (turn around time will completely depend on how many requests i get and whether or not i have enough blank CDs, or if i have to go shopping, etc)

5. in some time you should receive in your very own hands a mix of my current faves, along with a nifty chart telling you who did what, and why i selected each tune.

6. enjoy (or not) the music i've selected.

7. reply (or retaliate) with a mixed CD of your own! and PLEASE don't forget to send me a track list - and most importantly WHY you picked the songs you did, and why you think it's worth me listening to!! I mean, you could send me a track by Brian Adams (which would give me reason to be very disappointed - but if you said something like: "I picked this song cuz it was playing in the background when i got my first kiss and even though Brian Adams sucks, i'm still a sucker for this song" then i'll forgive and try to listen to it from your perspective.)

Here's where it becomes an issue of trust, people.
I'm sending you mine first! I'm counting on you to hold up your end of the deal. I could be shelling out tens of dollars in postage, not counting CDs... all you have to do is send back ONE cd and mail it ONCE to me!! so, what, that's only a couple bucks for you right?? Right!

So, i won't call these guidelines, but here are a few suggestions for your cd

a) i strongly dislike most R&B/Rap etc... my friend Savia got around this one last year by sending me God-Awful Newfoundland rap which is just too funny!!

b) last year i was pleasantly surprised by the amount of CanCon on the CDs that came back to me! (CanCon=Canadian Content), and many of them had tracks from local bands that i wouldn't have necessarily heard of. SO! Be proud of your local talent, maybe include a track or two from them.

c) I'm also not especially fond of country music, but have been known to make exceptions.

Really, use your own discretion here. If you can make a case for your most favourite Randy Travis or Ja Rule song, then by all means - tell me why i should give it a fair trial.

So, there may be obvioius kinks in this system, and i'm not really sure how long i'll leave this offer on the table. It's only the second go-round and is still in the experimental stages, but i'm excited! aren't you?

"My hopes is that in the giving and receiving of said compact discs, our collective music collections will collectively grow and expand and horizons will be broadened and minds opened and we will - together, end war and famine and live in peace and harmony for the rest of our days. Or, failing that, we'll at least get to look forward to getting something in the mail that isn't propaganda or people wanting our hard earned money." (from the original post)

SO!
who's up for it?

Feeling Good - a weather report

This is the song i wanted to post, but the video is filled with crazy faced weirdos - and not as much cutey-poo bass player as i'd like, but what can ya do? "Feelin' Good" by Muse

Okay, so after 4-5 freakishly stupid weather days, it's actually sunny and bright outside. Still cold, but hey, i'll take this over blizzards anyday.

Yesterday morning, i was driving b-rad to work and there was a crazy seven-minute blizzard. I'm not kidding, like everything was fine, it was snowing a bit - then suddenly, out of nowhere, there were complete white out conditions! i actually thought about not going in to work because the last time that happened we had the Blizzard of '007. But as i was pulling out of B-rad's shop, the blizzarding stopped. It was all over, and it was back to mild old snowy conditions.

So, after a day like yesterday, you can see why a little sunshine is leaving me "Feelin' Good".

142 - x365 Francine T

Back in my churchie days, you and your family took me to Disneyland as a nanny for your 10 year old daughter. I always liked you, even though you had some strange parenting ideas, and your husband totally creeped me out. But, hey, it was a free trip to California and i was 17. I'm glad you finally left him, and can start the healing process. i'm afraid to see you, or talk to you on-line or on facebook, because i just don't want to go to that place where you tell me the awful things he did to you. i'm sorry.

i like giraffes.

i spent most of my day off painting a giraffe for Chewie's room. i don't know why, but i'm totally addicted to giraffes right now. Sooo cute.

go on over and check it out.

here's a teaser:

But it doesn't just end there.
I bought Chewie a stuffed giraffe to snuggle with (the giraffe that started it all), and now with a giraffe on the wall, there's also a giraffe rattle from my friend Madge, and a pair of giraffe jammies, and a little shirt with giraffes on it.

see?
that's also a shot of our new crib. my sis-in-law Melsie gave us her old crib. B-rad and i were going to repaint it, but i decided last minute that i wanted a new one. My mom is very excited that she may get to keep the old one at her house. She's so cute. When she was over last saturday, we showed her and my dad the nursery, and she picked up the little jammies and cradled them like a baby and got all gushy and adorable.

aw. mom.

also, i'd like to take this opportunity to launch my babyblog... yes, another blog by yours truly. it's just a test run for now. but i wanted to be able to keep everything baby related in one nice little package. So, if your into that kind of thing, check it out... http://little-rockstar.blogspot.com - let me know what you think, if it's rubbish, if it's awesome, if i should forget about it and mishmash it all into the divablog. give me your input, cuz afterall, it's all for you.

love laura

Being a Grown Up

the best part about being an adult is eating an ice cream sandwich and totally ruining my supper. yeah.

take that responsibility!

141 - x365 Shawna S

I asked her if you were a crazy serial killer before agreeing to meet you in person. Luckily for us both, when we met it was like meeting a friend i'd known all my life. There was an ease in conversation that i found amazing - it's something that doesn't come naturally to me, i assumed it was all you. But we lived on opposite sides of the city, and i moved away before we had a real chance to cement the new friendship. But all is not lost. i know if we meet again, we'll just pick up where we left off. Also, you have the biggest, most beautiful smile i've ever seen.

140 - x365 Chantelle R-S

You are the kind of girl i would love to hate - but can't because you're just too damn nice. You were the envy of every girl in church, with perfect hair, figure, and face. Your smile could light up any room, and when you were moved by the spirit you weren't afraid to cry. You married one of the churches most eligible bachelors and waited until your wedding night. You are the type of person Faith looks good on.

It's butt kickin' time.

28

I found this little gem over at James' blog and wondered to myself - as the birth of this child grows ever nearer...just how many five year olds COULD i take in a battle royale??

It also seems that i can kick 7 more five-year-old asses than James can. Take that, James. But i attribute that to my very high kicking skills. Of course, i did answer all the questions assuming that i wasn't currently carrying my offspring in my womb. Cuz when not knocked up, i can kick perrrdy high and have fairly good balance. Not so at the moment.

Anyway, what i've concluded is this: James and i should team up, so together we can kick up to 49 five-year-old-heinies. It's a good plan, not to go it alone. Kids today are mean and resilient, thanks to all that sugar and red dye in their diets...and we'll need backup. Go team.

139 - x365 Rosie R

Our ideas don't always gel, but you are so kind and funny that i can look past that, and the fact that you're Catholic. :D You're also the only man i know named Rosie.

138 - x365 Amber R

I'm not sure why you close your eyes when you speak, but each time you do it gives the impression that you're very bored. I think about the future, us being friends, and it excites me.

Pimping the FiveStar and dealing with Headaches

It seems that as the weather gets nicer, there is a direct link to the lack of human beings in the office at any given time.

ah well, this weekend we shall receive 40 cm of snow from the heavens... that aughta smack the Spring right outta us.

dang. 40 cm is a lot of cm. That's over 15 inches for my yankee imperial friends.

I'm trying, without much luck, to work through this headache that is seeping out from behind my jawline, around the back of my head, up over the top and into the back of my eyes, causing temporary blindness. only 2.5 hours left to go. i may just give up the office ghost a wee bit early. No work for me on Monday... why not start 15 - 30 minutes sooner??

The headache, and the lack of sleep is causing me to do silly things like tell Penelope on twitter that:

borking days at the office cause my mind to wander...to stir fry implements
and how to use them in song.

and after it had posted in the feed, i realized - much to my mild embarassment and medium-to-hot amusement - i had typed the word "Borking". God, if i WAS borking at the office, maybe my headache would be gone, i'd definately have a reason for being so tired.

Also, i found this via Penelope's blog and thought it was funny and kinda fitting.

Your Slogan Should Be

Have You Ever had a Bad Time in The diva?

The Slogan Generator

Well, have you?? I didn't think so. it's always a good time in me. WOO! Chewie agrees. *kick kick* ugh.

Also, it might behoove you to go over to La Schmutz's new diggs "Five Star Friday" what's a Five Star Friday you ask?

It's a collection of super excellent blog posts from around the blogging universe, all in one convenient location for you to delve into when there's nothing on but re-runs, or you feel like reading some quality work. I went over there today and found this little gem that made me laugh out loud, not to mention this tale of Werewolves in Love. But they're not all comedic posts, just all excellently written.

So head over there and read up, learn how to submit your own posts, or the posts you've discovered in your bloggy wanderings, and join in the Five Star Festivities!! you'll be glad you did.

137 - x365 Kristin R

We met in my basement, you said you blogged too. One time i drove you to the Arts building using the sneaky back entrance. We were like ninjas in a grey Intrepid.

i been less than threed!

This happy award was given to me by the loverly Teeni, who graciously gave it out to her entire blogroll - but specifically wanted me to have it because i was inadvertedly given it by Witchypoo. Why? cuz they love me, and really, why wouldn't they? what's not to love??

I think the deal is to give it out to 3 bloggers who's blogs you enjoy reading. Well, How do you do that? That is tricky - and i can see why it's almost easier to just hand it out to everyone. It's for everyone.... (go ahead, its for you! take it!!)

but i really want andsometimeswhy to have it, cuz i really do less than three her blog - and it's great. you should all go over there and tell her she's fab!! and also DarthMommy. Her baby blog is like brain candy for my mom-to-be mind. She's my SAHM role model.

enjoy!!

136 - x365 Jesse R

Quiet shy guy who liked anime and had great talent. We ran into each other in University, you seemed like you finally found yourself. You seem happy now.

135 - x365 Kristina R

Your love of show tunes sparked my interest, and soon we were belting out duets. We kept in touch through 15 page letters. It's like you never left.

the layout

First of all, after playing around with this layout for hours and hours, changing stuff, immersing myself in code i don't understand, i was able to come up with this.

and a big huge hug and kiss and huzzah to the fabulous Ms. Witchypoo who made it all work and took out the glitches. she's so sweet. i totally less than three her.

134 - x365 Deller R

picking up the pieces here...

When i moved to our small town in the ninth grade, i had heard a rumour that you were going to ask me out that day. I had no real desire to date you, but agreed to go with you and some friends to watch B-rad ump a little league game. You were flirting, in an awkward way, but i was interested in the guy behind the plate. After the game, i hung back to talk to him, and you stayed too. I had a feeling that you planned to ask me to date you on the walk home, but instead i walked home with B-rad. We shared our first kiss that day, and you were gone from my mind. In the end, you married your perfect match and so did i. Sorry i was so flippant.

big fat baby belly update

The factory is large.

It's true.

Here's one thing i am sick of hearing:

"You're sooo big!! and you still have 4 more months to go!! HA HA HA"

and also,

"Are you SURE you're not having twins?"

yes. i'm sure. and i'm aware i'm as big as a house. thanks for bringing to my attention that not only am i hippo, but that i will soon be an elephant. thank you.

look, it's not my fault! i have a short torso! The baby has nowhere to go, but out!!

wahh.

I've been in discussions, this past week or so, with a midwife here in town. B-rad and i have been seriously contemplating a home delivery. In a perfect world i'd love to have a water birth, B-rad keeps saying "a water birth in the oceans with the dolphins " - but we don't live anywhere near an ocean, OR dolphins.

The more we talk about it, the less appealing the idea of a hospital birth is....birthing in a busy room with doctors and nurses coming and going, sterile lights and sounds, bitchy maternity ward nurses...

The idea of being in my own home with my own people, and midwife, and familiars sights sounds and smells is far more appealing.

Of course, a home delivery would only be feasible if there are no forseeable complications. So far, there hasn't been. it's all very up in the air right now, and we still have some time.

and yes, a home birth means no epidural. i'm aware. but, i mean, my mom did it four times without one, B-rad's mom did it four times without one, women have been doing it for thousands of years without them.... yes, it will hurt. it will suck. but i'll survive. besides, i'm not so sure i'd want one in a hospital anyway - especially not a learning hospital. Some studies done have indicated that epidurals may lead to complications with breastfeeding. Also, i have a lower back tattoo - and it's still medically undecided whether or not its safe to give an epidural through the ink.

okay. enough pregnancy talk.

This Old House

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

This comic made me giggle uncontrollably. He looks so BAD ASS!!

it's been a while since i had the time, and the urge to write something. I emailed my dear friend Paige and lamented that i finally had some time to write, yet nothing to write about.

She promptly wrote back asking whether or not i'd like to consult the "Creative Block.".
i did.

she sent me this little exercise which i was skeptical about at first:
Describe - without going there - your favourite room in the house. Imagine you haven't been there for 20 years

This got away with me a bit. i started out with the intention of writing about one room, but as you'll soon see, it spread into the whole house. I won't post the whole thing here, you can find the complete tale in its entirety over here at our creative writing blog. Here's an excerpt though...

Note: The return to the old house is completely fiction, but the memories are all real.

The door screen door slammed shut behind me, echoing through the empty house. I couldn't believe after 20 years, the bungalow my family lived in was still standing. I hadn't been back here since dad moved the family away. I recalled being so angry with my dad for taking me out of school and moving me halfway across the country. I knew there was no hope of ever seeing my friends again. My best friend Jenny and I clung to each other, tears streaming down our faces, promising we'd write and call every day, vowing to be together! I think we both knew it was the end, and the letters and calls pedered out after only a few months.

I laid the realtor's keys on the counter, leaned against the sink and looked around the kitchen of my childhood. The dark wood of the cupboards, the avacado green fridge, the same curtains hung over the kitchen window that my mother had sewn when I was 10. It was all still there. I stared at the same brown and orange linoleum, peeling up under the pantry door, and the old familiar geometric patterns lifted out of the lino and burned into my retinas. I recalled many a 'late night chat' with my father in that kitchen - staring off into space, picking out different patterns in the floor - anything to avoid having a real 'heart to heart'...

Enjoy the rest.

you done gud.

Okay folks, here it is - the award i promised you! i was going to originally award it to one person, but i realized that, really, there should be two categories for this award. There should be an award for best question, and one for the funnest question to answer.

AND SO... the "Ask the Diva" inagural award goes to:

(drum roll please).....

For Best Question asked:

Artful Kisser - for asking what the meaning of life is

For Most Fun Question to answer:

wench - for asking if i'm getting enough.

please display your awards with pride, ladies, and if it's not too much trouble - link back to me - cuz i'm super cute and stuff.

To read all the questions and their answers, visit this post!

again, i had a really fun time with this - and maybe i'll do it again next month! Who knows!! i like giving out my own award.

Your Questions....ANSWERED!!

Thank you for your questions, the Great Diva will now answer those questions that burn your very sooouuuulllll!!!!!

Our first question is from my dear friend Mika, who asks:
My question:When will I be able to go somewhere where you are singing in a band, yell "Play Taking Care of Business," and actually live the dream?Mika

Mika, Mika, Mika, if only you knew how many times i am asked this question. The answer is, in the distant future, Stove-Scientists from all over the world will come together and create the WonderStove Wizzomatic which will have the awesome ability to cook an entire roast pig in under 12 minutes, but will also have the unfortunate side effect of transporting the user back in time to an alternative dimension where i will be in an all-TCB-Band, which plays nothing but T.C.B, and you will be there, and you'll scream "GET TO THE WORKING OVERTIME PART!" and, THAT, my dear friend, is when and where you will get to live the dream. Thanks for asking.

My next quesiton is from my dearest beloved band-buddie and my Mother-Role-Model Fourleafclover, she asks:
What's the difference between white sugar and brown suger... besides the obvious?Fourleafclover

This is a question that has baffled many. The answer to this is simple. Granulated white sugar is essentially pure sucrose, whether derived from tropical sugar cane, or temperate sugar beets. White sugars vary mostly in the size of their crystals. The degree of processing by the manufacturer may also account for different degrees of whiteness.

Brown sugars are of two basic types: sticky and free-flowing. Both are produced by adding a suitable type of syrup (these days it's usually molasses) to purified or refined sugar. The color and texture of the final product are determined by the ratio of sugar to syrup in the mix, as well the the original colors of the constituent ingredients.

Hope that helps!

Teeni from the Vaguetarian TeaRoom asks a doozy:
Do you think this guy deserves all the attention he/she is getting?http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzzlog/91294

The answer to this one: No. Long story short, the dude is still a chick. You take that dude's DNA and it will say FEMALE.... when we actually have the world's first pregnant man, THEN i'll be impressed, and only if he has a penile delivery. that would be very impressive. and painful, i'd imagine. So, as far as i'm concerned, 0prah's pregnant man should get off his soapbox....actually, people should just turn off their tvs in general, and stop watching oprah and dr. ph!l. seriously.


The lovely Penelope from across the pond asks:
I'm 37 next week and have really long (assisted) blonde hair. At what age should I be cutting it? Is 37 too old for long hair? Thank you in advance oh wise Oracle ;o) Penelope

Penelope, first of all.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! This is a tricky question. How old is old? But you're right, at some point a woman does become a little too old for the long hair of their youth. I'll tell you, from experience, that my mom had long hair all through my teen years, and i kept telling her to cut it... then a few years later she did. She didn't go drastic, just a nice neat cut to just above the shoulders. She lost 10 years with that hair cut, she looked great. But i may be biased, i generally prefer shorter hair on women. My wise Oracle opinion would be - go to a salon, or a website, that will let you upload a picture of yourself and then 'try on' different styles before making any decisions that you may regret, and ultimately - you have to do what you think will make you feel sexy. cuz that's what it's really all about. Good luck.


Here's one from my favourite Eastern Canadian witchypoo:
Are you getting enough sleep? witchypoo

Excellent question. Long Answer: I'd have to say that given the option to come back to the next life as an animal, i'd choose either lap-cat, or sloth - because i really really really just love to sleep. Luckily i'm out of the first trimester which essentially turned me into a sloth anyway, and now i have more energy during the day - but i'm still tired and ready for bed by 9:30. i have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately because it's difficult to get comfortable, and when i do finally fall asleep i just wake up having to pee, wash rinse repeat. I'd say i'm getting up 3-5 times a night to use the can. Not a lot of time for deep resting. I just chalk it up to getting used to waking up in the middle of the night for feeding. Short answer: No, not as much as i'd like.


The lovely and fabulous dk over at Wenchwire asks one of the world's best questions:
Are you getting enough?dk

Why dk, whatever do you mean? *blush blush*.
am i getting enough? There's something about these pregnant lady hormones... i get randy at the drop of a hat... B-rad sometimes just has to walk in the room and i'm ready to go. thanks to this baby - the ladies up top have been super ultra sensitive. Before the baby, it was hit or miss up there, i could take or leave it, but NOW...good lord...NOW it's fan-fucking-tastic and i will toot my fabulous hubby's horn by saying he's been able to please me again and again over and over...multiple times.... in one session. this diva is one satisfied customer. ;)

Em says:
I want to dye my hair - should I go blonde or back to fiery red? Em

Well, Em, there's a lot to be said about a fiesty red-head... however, i think you would look super cute with blondish hair - maybe with some super-ultra platinum highlights, and with some dark caramelly lowlights. That's my opinion.

Kaylee wants to know:
what is it that makes you so special?

Dear Kaylee, i fart moonbeams and burp stardust. :D Plus!! i'm hella cool and wicked awesome, and witty, hilarious, beautiful, charming, and completely humble to a fault.


Funny Girl needs clarification on this:
I wanna know if I should go first? Funnygirl

Well, F.G., there are many pros and cons to being the one who goes first.... generally speaking - if you're being forced to jump into a big dark hole, like say - a sewer or a portal to another dimension- it's best to have someone in your party (preferably the know-it-all jackass) be the first one through the hole in case the hole ends up somewhere terrible... but i'd say if its something like - Being the first in line for ice cream, or first in line to get tickets for the TOOL concert, or first to climax - then being first is definately the way to go.

Slyde querries:
how do you continue to pretend, day in and day out, like there is no sexual chemistry between us? It must drive you crazy....Slyde

Slyde, i have a question for you.... are you Italian by chance? I have a tendency to be irresistably attracted to Italians... for the record, it's extremely difficult, but i tend to drown my desire by hitting on Italian women... wink.

Abigail had more of a statement of need, than a question, but i'll do my best:
I need ideas on how to raise money for a damage deposit so I can move outta here. abigail

Abigail, when i was in university - in my 2nd year B-rad and i decided to go backpacking through Europe. To raise money for this we had a series of: "Send Laura to Europe" Bottle Parties - where we'd essentially get really really wasted, and everyone would leave their empty bottles behind, as well as bring in any empties they had from home. Like a more fun, drunk, bottle drive. Also, you could try doing a few 50/50 draws, or raffles on pub nights? Everyone loves a 50/50 draw... spend 3 bucks with a possibility to win like 60?? As a fall back, you can always become a 'private dancer...a dancer for money...do what you want me to do', or sell your soul to Milhouse for five bucks.

Artful Kisser, my favourite reader/blogger from Down Under asks:
So what actually IS the meaning of life?

Well, i can only truthfully give you what i feel, personally, is the meaning of life - as i believe it's most likely different for each person. I think the meaning of life is to find and do things that give your life meaning. Engage in activities that bring you and others joy, create something - anything, that wasn't in this world before, to exist on this planet as best we can without trying to force our beliefs or values on any other person to make themselves feel as though they are beneath us, and to try to leave this world a slightly better place than when we arrived.

B.E. Earl sings:
Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?

Because, just like you, they long to be close to me.

To answer Honeywine's question:
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a TootsiePop? honeywine

Scientifically: All you have to do is measure the amount of saliva you produce per lick, measure the volume of the Tootsie Pop, find the amount each lick your saliva takes away from the pop, and divide that much by the total volume of the Tootsie Pop. or... 416.

Paige slammed me with these:
When are you going to answer all these questions?

Right now.

When are you going to update your blog ona more regular basis like the good ol' days?

Probably the summer when i'm not so busy at work?

When are we going to go for cake?

How about next thursday?

When?

Uhm, around 8:00??

I hope you've enjoyed this as much as i have. thank you for your questions!! The special award will be given out to one of these lucky questioners... soooooon!!!!

Ask the Diva

This makes me giggle uncontrollably

Hallelujah people, it's Friday.

In lieu of actual posting, i thought i'd try something i like to call; "Ask the Diva"

that's right! you ask, and i will answer - to the best of my abilities, whatever question you need the answer to!

Leave me your question in the comment section, or email me (see the contact info on the left). The best question will recieve a WONDERFUL PRIZE from me!! YEAH BABY!!

So, bring on the 'da noize' and bring on 'da funk' bitches!! WOO!!

awarded!

oh man, have i been neglectful!

twice i was given this award of excellence. TWICE! Once by B.E.Earl, and again by the loverly Lady Penelope. I'm so very greatful for the bloggy love, especially since i've been so lack lustre with my posting lately. it gives me the little kick in the pants i know i need sometimes. y'know: "keep bringin' the shit, or get off the internet!" kind of kick.

i would like to bestow this award of greatness to all my peeps. You all have blogs that keep me coming back, bring me tears, make me laugh, keep me hooked. When i was sick, and down in the lowdowns, these blogs kept me entertained! And even if i never commented, i read them.

Thank you for that. When people ask me why i bother blogging, sometimes i say that i love to be loved, and other times i say cuz maybe somebody needs to read what i have to say today. thank you to everyone who kept blogging while i pouted and got lazy.

also, a hundred years ago, Teeni was kind enough to give me her Teeni Tiny Shameless Plug award when i announced i was pregnant. Thank you for that Teeni.

UPDATE:

the truth is, i was never given Teeni's plug award. after she pointed it out, i went back to check - holy crap.... i feel so embarrassed.

annnnd now i'm over it.

That Really Gets My Goat

Goats are evil scary creatures - they have weird pupils, and they eat tin cans. They're part robot. Cyborg Goats.

Earth Hour was great. Canada led the world in participation (see this site). I, myself, was not at home during Earth Hour, i was at Small One's house playing Rockband. Yes, we left the TV on, but turned off all the other lights etc in the house. And over at my house it was dark - unless the cats figured out how to turn on the lights.

When i left her house at 8:45 pm to go pick up B-rad from his overnight fishing trip, it was very surreal driving through the city. I mean, the street lights were all still on, but so many houses were dark. i was really excited to see my city taking action.

So, what really gets my goat?

I'm glad you asked.

ahem.

Okay, so i get it if you don't want to participate in a global demonstration about climate change.

I get it if turning off the lights and hanging out in the dark is scary.

I get it that you're really just not that concerned so you decide to just go about your normal day routine. That's fine. I GET THAT.

Here's what really gets my goat.

Jackasses on Crackbook who's status updates declared:
"John Smith is protesting Earth Hour by turning on all the lights and electronic equipment in his house".

What. The. Fuck.

First of all, protesting Earth Hour?? yeah, i totally get why you wouldn't wanna get on board something like that. Saving the Earth, y'know, the place where you live. I can totally see which direction your going.

Do you also protest saving the rainforests by cutting down every tree where you live? Or maybe you protest Cheaper Gas prices by purchasing cans of oil and dumping them in our drinking water? douchebag.

Second of all, turning on every single light in your house? that's not only ignorant...it's STUPID. Seriously.

It's not like the planet is going to get better all by itself... while we're still on it.

I know there's a lot of discussion about whether or not Global Warming is a legitimate concern.

But, i mean, given our options of changing a few habits in our daily lives and having a healthier planet, or continuing on wasting and consuming and generally destorying our only home because we're too stubborn or lazy to change and then eventually all dying from some global crisis...

...how fucking hard is it to turn off your goddamned lights?

That really gets my goat.

To Mister Douchbag Crackbook and all your fellow douchbags.... i flip you the bird.