Sounding Board part 2

I ran into Mr. Plant, the fuckwad, today in the mall.

Totally out of the blue, i was not prepared for it.

B-rad and i split up to grab a few things before Longlegs' 2nd birthday party over at Fourleafclover and Bath-tubs house.

i called b-rad on his cell and told him i'd wait for him on a bench. He showed up and we started walking down the mall hallway talking. Suddenly, there he was. Right in front of me. i unintentionally made eye contact and the fucking bastard smiled at me a little as we passed each other... i made the mistake of turning my head and he stopped and said; "Hi!"

my heart was pounding in my chest and i blurted out "HI" and tried to keep walking.

B-rad didn't make the connection on who he was or what was happening right away, and i hear Mr. Plant say "I hardly recognized you"

all i could do was keep walking. away from him.

B-rad made the connection and hurried up beside me. my eyes stung, and my throat was filled with pre-cry lump. i kept thinking "just keep walking, don't look back"

when we were far enough away for me to breathe, i felt like i was going to be sick. i just wanted out of the mall.

"I can't believe i said 'hi' to him."

i mean, all these months after talking to Shelly online, and after seeing Mr. Plant on the street and resisting the urge to run him over with my car (Before i found out about the sexual and physical abuse and the impeding law suit) i had ran over in my head what i would say to him if i ever saw him again.

Fuck you Darryl. Don't fucking talk to me. I know what you did. I know what you did to Shelly and Francesca. And if you think you can talk to me at all, you are sadly mistaken. You make me sick, you piece of shit.

but instead i said; "Hi."

i have never felt more disappointed in myself. like i let not only myself down, but Shelly, and Francesca too. Like, i wasn't there for them when it was happening, but at least if i ever saw the bastard i could really tell him off. And i couldn't. I froze. I completely choked.

i keep playing the scene over and over again in my head, thinking of different things i could have said, things i could have done... and oh god, what if b-rad hadn't shown up when he did??

i wasn't relaxed again until we were in the car and on our way out of the mall parking lot. consequently, we forgot to pick up a gift for Longlegs while we were at the mall and ended up being the only ones who didn't bring him anything.

Thank god for the birthday party though. Really, it took my my mind off the event that took place. and i was able to relax and enjoy Longlegs' 2 year old banter. He's so sweet. And i held a six week old baby who was the cutest little thing. i felt better.

i'm trying to not dwell.
fuck him.