This day already rocks because i'm wearing a shirt i haven't worn in months. Thank you starvation soup.
So a little while ago i was having a conversation with Saviabella about The Starvation Soup Diet. Here's a peek:
savia says:
What's up with the soup diet??
Laura is Made of and Powered by Vegetable Soup says:
oh y'know, eat vegetable soup all week and lose 10 pounds.
savia says:
Bullshit. What are you doing that for?
Laura says:
to lose 10 pounds
savia says:
Stupid soup diet doesn't work!!
Laura says:
i have to do something, obviously exercise is not part of my lifestyle choice, and i refuse to give Weightwatchers, Jennycraig, LA Weightloss, Gail's, or any other service any more of my money.
day one: Eat all the Soup and fruit you want
Day 2: Eat all the soup and Vegetables you want
Day 3: Eat the Soup, plus fruit and veggies
Day 4: Eat the soup and eat bananas and drink skim milk
Day 5: Eat 10-20 oz of beef (or chicken) and tomatoes, and the soup
Day 6: Eat more beef plus the soup
Day 7: Eat brown rice, soup, and fruit juice
= lose ten pounds.
savia says:
Yeah. I think it sounds like a whole lot of Suck My Clit.
Laura says:
if ONLY it was sucking my clit, at least then i'd have the pleasure a friendly Orgasm every once in a while. SIGH. anyway - i just bought me a new winter coat - and it's Juuuuust a bit snug... all i want is to be able to put it on.
savia says:
Happy happy food.
Laura says:
yeah, happy food for me is mcdonald's french fries and ice cream. but not together. WHICH is what got me in the mess in the first place. it's good, though. it means i can't just use food to self medicate. instead.. i'm just freebasing cocaine off a hooker's ass. seriously though, i do feel good. it's cleansing
savia says:
And what of Rufus and Eleanor?
Laura says:
fuck them, they suck.
savia says:
Alrighty, then
Laura says:
i'm not going to the gym because they suck. and they kept taking money from me even after i quit
savia says:
I hate the gym, too. Bastards.
Laura says:
and they force fed me their christian dance music.
savia says:
Christian dance music? Grinding for Jesus? WTF?
Laura says:
yeah. like... heavy drum beat... Duuuun Duuuun Duuuun Duuuun...
A-(dunnn dunnn dunnn)-Maaaaze(dunnnn duuunnn duunnnn)-ing Graaaaaa(duuuun Duuuun Duuuunnnn)Ce!!
and let's not forget the techno version of "You are my sunshine" FYI - Curves is run by fanatic christian churchies.
savia says:
Holy Mother of Cunt! I had no idea. They're everywhere!!
Laura says:
yeah. i had no idea either until i was already signed up and everything, and they gave me the 'literature';
"Curves looooves Jesus! We Looove him, like in an almost inappropriate way that will kinda make you feel uncomfortable when you walk in the door. That's our key to weight loss, surrender your soul to the Master and eat nothing but Wine and JesusCrackers."
actually, i made that shit up about the wine.
savia says:
So Jesus is the key? Does that mean that only heathens are fat?
Laura says:
i guess so
savia says:
I am so shocked by that.
Laura says:
well, [pats belly] this ain't a baby in here, so i must be the devil.
savia says:
I'd rather have that than the glazed eyes of a Curves convert.
Laura says:
i wrote them a nasty letter when i quit there saying that if they were going to be an OPENLY christian gym, they should be open about that when you're signing their contract, and as a lesbian transgendered moslem jewish hindu buddhist - i was deeply offended.
Friday, November 02, 2007
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13 people love me:
Thanks for warning me about Curves! Screw them, they ain't getting any of my money. But if you want to add some movement to your lifestyle talk to me and we could always work something out... I want to work out some more... but light workouts... like walking. I like walking. It's how I lost most of my baby weight after Longlegs came. I walked everyday.
That's quite the conversation. I don't feel that it's appropriate to be playing that kind of music. I was at my gym yesterday and they were playing music like that. I don't think it's appropriate music to be playing. With such a wide range of clientelle they should have music that won't offend people and that everyone can agree on. I'm sorry but that music is meant for church, not for me to be working out to.
fourleaf,
yeah, walking is good. i keep looking over at my treadmill...but maybe human contact is the way to go. :)
Melsie,
i agree.
I'm scared of the gym. There's never any fat people there.
Jesus Titty Fucking Christ Diva! You haven't had a post like that to make me laugh until juice came out my nose in a long time!
Christian fanatics. They are taking over everything!
Holy Mother of Cunt! - great expression.
They ain't getting any of my money either. I too like fourleafclover like walking...religiously. I think the secret to success is consistency. Sorry if I'm not making any sense right now...it's happy hour in my household :)
Yeah, just doesn't seem like the right place for that type of music. I need to have something a lot more upbeat than that to work out to. I never really liked Amazing Grace all that much anyway. Okay, to be honest, I've always hated it. It's slow and boring and served its purpose. Let's move on already. I don't know how anyone could work out to it no matter what their religion was. I would invest in earphones and an Ipod. Borrow one if you have to.
abigail,
i totally hear ya. it does nothing for my self esteem to be at the gym working out in sweats next to the barbie doll in a unitard. That's why i thought i'd try curves cuz it's ladies only. Ladies only for jesus.
Paige,
i'm glad i could accommodate you. :D
Earl,
yeah, i should probably say that i have nothing against them being a Christian gym per se, but moreso against them keeping that fact under the radar until after i had signed the contract and given them my banking information.
Bennie,
you have happy hour at your house? what a fucking cool idea! have one for me, cuz i'm off booze until Sunday...maybe i'll have a Mamosa with breakfast.
Teeni,
i tried bringing my iPod, but they frown upon that - how are they supposed to convert - i mean visit with me if i'm plugged into my demon music - i mean metal?
Brilliant post! Those Christian fanatics are getting everywhere, like ants.
nicholas,
yeah, ants at a picnic...
This conversation is even more amusing on your blog.
I swear a lot about my lady parts, don't I?
If God loves workouts so much why did he put hard pews in church instead of spin machines? Huh? Splain that!
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