Rockin' and Rollin' and whatnot...Part 2

Once upon a time, in Cowtown, i was part of a rock band called Samvega. The band members consisted of myself - lead vocals, B-rad - Guitar, my brother Patrick - Bass and back up vocals, and our friend Shaman - Drums.

B-rad and Shaman used to be in a different band before i moved out there, but the band broke up and my arrival in Cowtown coincided nicely with that incident. It seemed a match made in heaven, i could sing my little heart out - i mean, i could really belt out a tune. Patrick was living with B-rad at the time, and so it seemed to work in such a nice little package.

So. We gathered our resources and began, in earnest, to write some songs.

This is where it all came to a grinding halt.

I found writing songs to be one of the most excruciating ordeals of my entire life. It seemed that we were stuck, because i had a hard time singing lyrics that i didn't feel and so the arty/hippy lyrics that were brought to the table were hard for me to wrap my head around, and i often found myself saying: "Okay, but what does it mean?"

The easy solution to that would be, obviously, for me to write my own lyrics. This was, however, harder than it seemed, because nothing i wrote seemed to match the moods of the music they were writing.

I became more and more self-conscious of each word, each line, each phrase that i penned.

I thought maybe that the group song writing sessions put too much pressure on me, and B-rad agreed to work with me, privately. i spent many many hours, trapped in my bedroom with him while he so patiently played the guitar riffs over and over again so i could get a feel for the music and be able to come up with something that was suitable. It was almost torture, and many of these song writing 'sessions' ended in tears.

BUT it wasn't all for naught. eventually the band came up with songs that we could perform together. That part was great! again, i loved being on a stage, and singing for a crowd. I, somehow, was able to play up to my audiences and actually ROCK OUT! i did come to the realization, though, that i had no idea how to have 'rock stage presence'. in University, they trained me to walk to the centre of the stage, position myself, and then present and sing - the result of that being that my feet became firmly rooted to one position. This was a habit i had a hard time undoing on stage, but it was the general consensus that my powerful voice made up for the fact that i hardly moved.

one thing became evident, i was much better live than i was in rehearsals, and even in recording sessions.

as far as recording, it went relatively smoothly - and there exists out there in the world of my computer at home (and a few lucky hard core fans) a copy of Samvega's one and only recorded effort Soulfire.

the problem with having something concrete - is there is the need to 'follow it up'. This meant, of course, more song writing.

Time moved on, as it does, and one thing led to another, which led to our drummer wanting to pursue other activities, and for Patrick to decide to try his hand at cover bands. All that's left of the original Samvega is myself and my hubby. We don't even get to keep the original name, because if you google Samvega - you'll find there's a very suspiciously similar band - with a female front and with a 'prog' sound who have taken this name and are running very fast and hard with it, who are from somewhere in the states. (isn't that odd?)

Now, B-rad is an excellent guitar player. He comes up with some really awesome stuff, and currently there are about 4 unfinished songs - if not more - waiting for me to attach melodies and lyrics to, which as i've already mentioned, is like pulling teeth...and i have a tooth phobia.

All of this happened within the space of time that our friend Rain was on hiatus. Now, she's back with a pocket full of songs and is ready to go - fresh with ideas and inspiration, and recording those songs in my basement.

So, as much as i love my dear dear friend, it's almost a slap in the face to see someone come up with so many great songs with fantastic lyrics and melody lines that are just so so easy to sing to, when it was such a painful and emotionally difficult thing for me.

Somewhere along the way, i have lost any kind of confidence that i may have had at one point. There's this huge Slab of Writer's Block sitting on my notebook that i can't get around, it has flashing neon lights that blink: "You're Not Good Enough", "Why Do You Even Try?", and "You'll Never Be as Good at this as Rain is". Tell me that's not incentive enough to go running to the hills.

The thing is, i know that there must be SOME kind of music in me. I know that i can be more than just the Voice. But it's so god damned hard to find my writing voice, and the stuff i do write - well it just doesn't seem to 'work' with the music B-rad writes.

So now, B-rad and i, we are at an impasse. We both want to work together, but i guess the question should be not whether we want to, but whether or not we can. It's very depressing, like the end of a dream. I am torn between wanting him to go on with out me, and wanting him to grab me and say: "Never without YOU!" - knowing that having me there will make it a longer and harder journey.

So, we take it day by day; he writes music and shows me anything new. I listen, and sometimes - i hear an inkling of how it could be sung, and other times i don't. My only hope that by being such a perfectionist, we are actually creating something that is actually really good.

And i am keeping the faith alive that somewhere inside me, is a wealth of talent that is NOT singing, that i can tap into and i can make him happy. i don't want his dream to die because of me.